Life is changing. I'm closing a chapter of my life forever and starting a new one. My time as a homeschooling Mom is over. My last has graduated. All 3 kids are now over 18, have their own car (we're sharing two cars with #3), they all have jobs, and they're all in the adult world now. My youngest just started college. So what's next? I have no idea.
I'm taking the next few months to try to figure out my purpose now. I could get a part-time job although who wants to give me 5 days off every 3rd weekend when Tim's home? I'm not going to have him home and I'm gone so that we never see each other. That's really bad for a marriage. My fear is that I'll give away my time, have to drop doing the things that ARE part of my life's purpose that I'm doing now, for about $100/wk difference - meanwhile, I'm miserable, and so is everyone else that I'd have to step away from to work.
I could go back to school, I actually love being a student - but I can't imagine putting thousands of dollars of more pressure on Tim to pay for it for the next 2 to 4 years. I'd probably be okay as a teacher in a private Christian school, but I couldn't do it in a public school since I disagree with almost everything they decide these days. I'd be in court for not silencing my beliefs if a student asks. I also would love to study psychology, or even business. Again though, at the end of the schooling, I'd still need to work, full time to justify the cost of education, and I'm back to the dilemma of not pursuing what I believe I was called to do - I just wish it had a paycheck attached to it. What I do helps people, helps me be a better person to those around me, and makes the world a better place, but it's on a volunteer basis.
I am over the MLM thing. I had a wonderful experience in Monavie, and would've stayed with them til I died. Loved the products. Loved the pay plan. Loved everything about it - then they sold the company to sort of a parent company that changed it all. The pay plan was not cut & dry anymore, it was harder to plan for it, the best Monavie products got changed or discontinued (except for the juices - but those are only available to those of us who moved TO the new company. New people can't sign up & have access with the new company. I was sad to see that chapter close after years in that business, and all the friends I made there, but it's finally nice to talk to someone without the pressure or guilt of saying/not saying anything about a company. I can just meet people and not feel like I have an ulterior motive, regardless of how pure my motives were to get to know them. I'm happy not worrying about the next event, having to find people to go or else sit alone in a big venue. It's nothing Tim's schedule would EVER allow for these days.
So where does that leave me? Confused. Scared. My head is constantly rolling ideas around, comparing the good and the bad of each option, it's keeping me up at night feeling like I'm running out of time to decide or something. It's a bad place that I haven't been for many, many years. I pray for direction, but I haven't been given any indication what I'm supposed to do, or at least, none of the options so far are the right answer. I'm trying to be patient, but I need my head to be quiet again. It's like listening to an out of control courtroom full of people arguing both sides of my options.
In the meantime, I'm catching up on all the things I haven't been able to do for the last 6 months while getting Jordan graduated, passing her GED, teaching her to drive, getting her enrolled in college, among the other day to day stuff I already have on my plate. I'm trying to cook more to save money on groceries. I'm trying to rid our home of materialistic things we don't need, cleaning closets, tossing out boxes of stuff we don't need, thinning down the years of collected dishes, serving platters, mixing bowls, storage containers, etc.
I'm trying to take time to hunt down new ideas for a job I may be able to do without a college degree and without ANY work experience in the last decade. My last real work experience was before companies used computers! I know I can DO and LEARN just about any job with on-the-job training, but to get in the door, my application is just one of literally hundreds for every job, and without experience and without a degree, it NEVER gets called to the top of the pile for an interview.
I wish I knew someone who owned a company willing to give me a shot, who knows I'm dependable, honest, and hard-working. Unfortunately, my friends are mostly retired, stay-at-home Moms & wives, or they work a regular job themselves (most with a degree of some kind). I know the answers will come, I'm just impatient and unsure. Hopefully things will get clearer soon, but for now, I guess I'm stuck with the voices in my head.
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