For most of my life, it was drilled into me by others' actions, words, and attitudes, that if you rest when you're tired, you're lazy. If you're a stay at home, homeschooling mom, you're job isn't that important because there's no paycheck attached to it. And I'm sorry to say, I bought into the lies.
I spent twenty years raising my three kids to adulthood while homeschooling them all the way through from preschool to graduation. Before you ask if I'm qualified, the answer is yes. I learned and taught seven to eight subjects per child per year for twelve years or more each. That's much harder than teaching the same curriculum, for example, fourth grade math, over and over, year after year. In the end, I know see all three thriving in their endeavors, smarter than the people around them, and getting recognized in their jobs and college classes for it.
During those years, I felt "useless". No matter how many hours I spent on the kids' education, which was usually around forty hours a week with planning, teaching, correcting, and hands on learning in museums and other venues, I was still looked down on by those around me because they earned a paycheck and I didn't.
Friends and relatives made me feel dumb for struggling on one paycheck when I could "simply put them in free public school, go get some job, and then use the extra money to buy stuff". They never understood that the stuff was never as important to me as raising three kids into self-sufficient, responsible adults who would be leaders instead of followers, set and reach their goals, and would be productive members of society. I didn't want three adults in their twenties who sat home without cars or jobs, playing video games all day, waiting for someone else to feed them and do their laundry. No amount of stuff could compare with that in my mind. But I felt very alone in the process.
Another hurdle was the whole resting thing. I spent decades getting up before dawn, going to bed last, working on things all day long, and had terrible insomnia. For years I had to force myself to get everything done on just two or three hours of sleep - and never in a row! If I stopped to sit down and watch a half hour tv show, everyone looked at me like, "We're working (at this minute, anyway), why aren't you?!" I was made to feel guilty for resting when I was tired. The results of that? I've had a host of health issues related to stress and lack of sleep. Everything from auto immune diseases, chronic fatigue, lactic acid buildup issues, high blood pressure, migraines, internal hives on my intestines, inflammation in my entire body, heart palpitations, and more. I didn't give my body what it needed to rest.
Over time I slowly had more time to myself as the kids grew up, got jobs, went to college, etc. Just when I was feeling like I could finally breathe and heal my body, everyone starting asking, "What are you going to do now? Where will you go get a job with only a high school diploma from so many years ago? You don't just expect to stay home and "do nothing", do you?" Wow. Seriously? Can I have a minute to breathe?
After some serious assessment of my health, mental capacity, and responsibilities I still had, I decided to go back to college. Just so you know, going back to school just shy of fifty is very intimidating. Think about it. When I was 19, colleges used books, and paper, and pens. Now it's all ebooks, online resources, programs for everything, power points, ted talks, presentations, and computers. But I figured I can learn anything if given a chance and shown how, so off I went to college. It's been a great two years, I now have my Associate's degree, and in the next 16 months, I'll have my Bachelor's. And yes, I'll be pursuing a Master's degree too. I've made great friends, mostly with teachers, but also with some fantastic students. I've maintained a 4.0 GPA (with lots of prayer and help), and I love being in a learning environment surrounded by so many diverse cultures and backgrounds. It's been very rewarding.
Last semester almost killed me. I had too much on my plate, something I thought I learned not to do, but old habits creep back in when you least expect it. Stay vigilant. I had mental meltdowns, emotional days of doubts, sleepless nights of worrying about my grades, and in the process, I felt guilty if I tried to rest. Know what that got me? Not only hypothyroidism, but full-blown Hashimoto's disease. Couple that with other biological changes at my age and it set off a train wreck of chain reactions. I found myself with health problems in my thyroid, auto immune system, cortisol levels, adrenal fatigue, exhaustion, insomnia, rapid weight gain (from thyroid not working properly), vision started to decline, and other issues I won't bore you with here.
Once it was done, graduation was over, I went on a much needed and well deserved vacation for almost two weeks. It was crazy how hard it was for me to shut down my mind and just "be" every day. It took a while, but it worked. I was finding some sort of stable norm again.
Why tell you all this? Because of what I learned, and what I hope you will too if you have a similar story. Take the time to rest. When I got back from vacation, it truly felt like I was in someone else's mind and body. It was like the whole world was moving in slow motion after so many months (years) pushing full speed ahead. I decided that I better take this summer and force myself to REST. It's my only chance to truly heal my body and hope to have any type of quality future. I began by taking daily naps during vacation. After vacation, I wasn't into naps as much, but I focused on sleeping better. I went to bed early or late, rising earlier or later, totally depending on listening to my body every single day and finding out what I needed at the time. I realized our bodies' needs change on a day to day basis. I also decided to let go of EVERYTHING that I was not directly responsible for or to someone. I stopped trying to work my way through a thirty item daily task list. I learned to rest, breathe, pray and meditate on positive things, focus on eating only what will heal my body (which for me, with my health issues, is a soy-free, gluten-free, plant-based, vegan diet). I learned to focus every single day on thinking about and doing things to gently heal my broken body. I'm decluttering not just the spaces around me, but also in my digital, relational, and mental spaces.
If you find yourself on a hamster wheel wondering how you'll ever find the time to get "well" again, I have a few action steps for you:
1. Pick a time in the near future to "rest". Maybe it's a vacation you've earned. Maybe it's at the end of a project or segment of your job is done. Maybe it's during the slow season in your career. Whenever it is, pick that as a start date to start getting well again.
2. Clear your calendar and mind of all that is unnecessary. This means saying NO to other people's needs when it totally throws your day, health, and plans off. Ask yourself what is the worst thing that will happen if you don't do "this one thing" - and if the answer is nothing, or only that someone else won't like it, then say no, let it go, and move on. I'm not a "look out for number one" type of person, but there are times when you need to step back, assess the situation, and do what you must to protect yourself.
3. Add things into your day, week, or month that are healing. Maybe a vacation or even a quick getaway locally, go for a walk in the woods, spend time on a beach, sit by a mountain lake, or if you have a favorite hobby you miss, then plan a time to get back to it. Plan to take a nap if you need it or sleep in if you know your body is begging for more sleep to heal itself. Plan alone time to just unwind, relax, think in peace and quiet. This isn't the time to binge watch Netflix or Hulu. It's the time to be creative, or to shut it all down and enjoy the silence.
I hope you will find your own peace. But whatever you do, let go of the guilt.
