Emotional Auto-Pilot

     It's always amazing to me when someone dies, how an entire family's world comes to a dead halt, nothing else matters in that moment, yet all around them, the rest of the world just keeps spinning on and on, people go about their lives, like it's any other day.

     At times, it makes me want to scream for them to stop and realize something serious is happening. Other times, I wish I was like them, living like it's any other day, and my relative or friend is still doing fine.

     Let's talk about the mini breakdown moments...there I am, going about my usual business, and the sadness comes out of nowhere and I skip a breath, my eyes well up with tears, I feel my lip quivering, and I'm thinking, "Not now, I'm out in public" or "I'm about to get up in front of people to speak." When I let it happen, it lasts just a few seconds and it's gone. Almost as quick as a sneeze you feel building up, then all at once you sneeze and it's over. When I hold it back, however, there's a sharp pain in the top of my head. Is this normal? Before I can wonder about that, it vanishes. I resume what I was doing but wonder how long before it will happen again.

     I don't think I'm alone in this. I believe this happens to others when dealing with grieving, divorce, worry over a loved one, situations feel hopeless, etc. It's so weird in that moment. It's like my mind and body are working together but they didn't send me the memo. It's like I'm just along for the ride and my mind and my body will continue to react to the loss and I'll just keep being surprised by it.

     I know from experience that when you lose a loved one it does get easier to get through the day as time goes on, but you don't forget the love, the memories, and the last words you shared. But you know what? Today is not that day! So here I am, thinking, grieving, trying to shut it down if only for a few brief moments so my head will stop hurting. Eventually, it will get better. And that's the hope I hold onto.