Day 2: Sunday

It was great waking up at the hotel in California. I knew we were going to meet new friends that day, but we had nowhere to be, and no time to get there (or so I thought). After taking a shower and throwing on comfy shorts and a t-shirt, Tim said, "I did tell you we're going to church with Judith and Charlie, right?" I got quiet..."Really?! You made plans like that without telling me until it's almost time to leave? What kind of church is it? How far is it? What if we're dressed too casual?" It's very difficult to have information thrown at you last-minute when you've got an OCD personality. I need time to hear it, think it through, get used to the idea, consider a plan B (I don't know why, but I always have to have a Plan B in case things don't go as planned, to reduce stress), and then finally accept the concept. Tim and I looked up the church website and got the info I needed to know I would be going to a relaxed, contemporary service at a church with similar beliefs.
We arrived at Mount of Olives church early; we both are always early for everything. It gave us time to get acclimated before having to go inside. It was a beautiful, sunny, cool morning with a nice breeze. We found the coffee shop and ordered Tim's coffee, then went to sit at an outdoor table to wait for our friends.
I should explain why we were meeting "new friends". Facebook has been a great tool to reconnect with old friends, find relatives and friends you've lost touch with, and to meet new friends. Tim's father was an Arizona Ranger (sheriff's department volunteer backup organization). His "company", like an army company, used to compete in training skills events. They used to get beat by this young Captain in the Phoenix area. The Captain used to date a young woman years ago. That young woman's Mom is Judith. Got that so far? Okay, so Tim worked pretty closely with his father when we lived in the mountains for two years, and he got to know the Captain on Facebook. That captain, although not seeing the young woman anymore, he kept in touch on Facebook with her Mom, Judith. Tim would see Judith had a very similar mindset, had the same foundation for her character, similar beliefs, and stood for many of the same things, so he sent Judith a friend request and she accepted. Being the wonderful woman that she is, she did the right thing, and sent me a friend request also, even though I didn't have her daughter's friend on my friend list. I accepted based on Tim's recommendation. We got to know her better and hear about her husband Charlie that she obviously adored. We spent 3 or more years keeping in touch on Facebook, and when she heard our vacation would take us to her area, she was more than happy to have us meet, visit, and show us around. Meeting first at church seemed like a great start.

Back to church...when Judith and Charlie (who introduced himself as "Chuck", and so will be called that from here forward) arrived, we were greeted with smiles, handshakes, and her hug. Very genuine, down-to-earth people who live life transparently. I love that. No false images, no trying to act differently than who they are, just a "here I am, as is" attitude. That's exactly the way I try to live my life too. I knew I'd just met some great people. Within just a few minutes, you would've thought we'd known each other for 20 years! Everything was easy and comfortable between the 4 of us. We were introduced as their "friends we just met". Then Judith would quickly explain our meeting on Facebook and now in person. The service was wonderful. The music was similar to what we're used to hearing, the pastor told a great storAfy and tied it to being courageous, basing it all on God being big enough to handle our circumstances, no matter how big they may seem to us at the time. I really enjoyed it. Afterwards, they brought us to the welcome table and we were given free insulated coffee cups with the church's logo on it and a free latte fill up.
After church, it was getting close to lunch time so they took us to El Torito Grill at Newport Harbor. The restaurant was among lots of little ocean side shops with typical beachy things to sell. We had a great window seat to view all the boats in the marina, people paddle boarding, and kayaking. The food was pretty good, but the conversation was better. We talked about different areas along the coast, travel, old cars, and where our hosts would be taking us next.

When lunch was finished, we traveled to two different beach areas where Judith and Charlie like to go. The first was Dana Point. Rocky coastline, beautiful views, and the Dana Point Rock Lady (mountain profile looks like a woman's face) made for a beautiful spot to see. We also went to another spot, not sure exactly which beach it was, but it was nearby. It's a place Judith likes to walk. I think it's Laguna Beach, but not sure. There's a beautiful walkway near the parking lot, overlooking mansions on the water's edge of a sandy beach, with a hillside of flowers and cacti in-between. There's a ton of stairs that take you down to the water, but we decided that late in the day, it was okay to view it from where we were. We didn't want to tire out our wonderful hosts, and we could tell they were winding down. They invited us back to their lovely home afterwards so we could get changed. Tim and I had plans to hit the water and sand late afternoon for some alone time.

We found a great spot off a side street. Parking on a Sunday afternoon was really hard to find, but we found a metered spot at the top of a staircase leading down to the water between some cool beach homes. We spent a few hours just enjoying the sights, smells, and sounds of the beach once again. We watched surfers and paddle boarders. I guess I always heard how crowded California beaches were because of the high population, but we were pleasantly surprised that night (and for our whole trip) and how few people there really were. Not sure if it's because people see the ocean every day so it's not a big deal to them anymore, or if we just happened to have great timing to avoid the peak of the crowds. Either way, it made for a very relaxing afternoon. When it came time for dinner, I don't remember what we did that night. The previous night we'd picked up something at the grocery store we could eat without having to cook, but that night, I just don't remember what we ate. Maybe we were still full from lunch and didn't eat?
It was a great day, we made wonderful new friends, and had a fantastic time winding down at the beach. I went to bed rested, relaxed, yet full of anticipation because tomorrow...we were going on our first cruise together!!!

Blogging about our first REAL vacation in 22 years.

Day 1: Saturday, May 3rd
We headed out together about 10:30 AM. I had no idea what to expect. Things haven't been going too great for us this year. Between the job changes and going so long without time alone together, I wasn't sure what the week would be like. Maybe we'd get into an argument right off the bat and then the rest of the trip would be me walking on eggshells. Maybe we'd find out we like/dislike very different things and we'd have new hurdles to overcome. But maybe, just maybe, we'd find out that we still love each other more than we thought. Maybe we would remember what it was like when it was just the two of us with no other responsibilities in our world except to each other. That was what I was hoping to find. I left for vacation determined to do whatever it takes to avoid arguing, and I hoped Tim felt the same way.
As we drove, we both seemed very excited about the coming week. We both knew we needed this, and that it was long overdue. We drove 6 1/2 hours to the Long Beach, CA area (Costa Mesa) holding hands, smiling, and feeling the pressures of life fading with every mile we put behind us. As we entered CA, I was surprised it looked like it did. They never really explain to you in public schools what the different states are like. I pictured beach, a desert area, and vineyards. That's all I'd ever heard people really talk about before. To see how many hills and mountains there were, and how the sand on the side of the road was so much whiter than the east coast or in AZ deserts, I was very surprised.
We arrived at our motel, which was surprisingly good for the money. For just $65/night (the people ahead of us paid $99), we got a modern room, close to everything, and the owner was running the front desk. He was a very nice Indian man. He hoped we would have a great stay and give him a great review later on, "Even if", he said, "you don't like the Indian man at the front counter." He was friendly and inviting. We loved our room and paying so little for it made it twice as great.
After getting settled, we headed for Newport Beach! The drive through the beach town was so much fun. It was everything I'd pictured...little bicycle rental shops, sundresses, neon signs and clothing everywhere, little shops in neat little rows, and peeks of the ocean between every street corner. When we arrived, it was around 6 PM. The beach totally put me into my own world like I was transported to another place. The sound of the waves crashing, the smell of the salty air and sandy beach, the sounds of the seagulls and crowds of people fishing off the pier...I'd never seen huge pelicans gliding overhead and floating just inches above the water as they quickly cover a mile of ocean. I made time stand still for just a moment so I could take it all in.

We decided to get supper right there at the pier. There was a restaurant at the end of it called Ruby's. Typical ocean-side restaurant, burgers, fries, and seafood, served on paper plates, but with a phenomenal view. As much as I hate seafood, I felt compelled to live in the moment, and ordered fish & chips. That first piece tasted better than I expected (but never ate the second half, after all, I do hate seafood). We watched the sun go down behind a cloud near the water's edge. It wasn't the colorful sunset I'd heard about, but it was still peaceful and pretty.
After dinner, we stood on the now dark shore, the waves of high tide crashing loudly. The air was a bit chilly, but it felt good. It felt right. I love Arizona and never want to live anywhere else full time, but in that moment, I remembered how much I really do love the beach.
As we returned to the room it occurred to me that for the first time in our married life that I could remember, we never looked at the time, or cared. We had no where to be, no one waiting for us, nothing pressing to get to, it was just our time, done our way.

Countdown to vacation! 4 more days to go!

It may not seem like much to go on vacation, I mean, everybody takes them, right? Well, not exactly. For 22 years of marriage, Tim and I have been a (mostly) single-income household so I could be there to raise our kids. I believe it's the most needed, worthwhile, and rewarding job I could have possibly chosen. Because of this, our vacations have not been like those others talk about. We've had to settle for more "day trips" to a beach, or lake, or maybe a 48 hour stay at a relative's house out of town. We've had maybe half a dozen times that we've packed up the kids to go to a hotel, but it's always been because there was a business convention at that hotel and we were going anyway. Even then, we brought our own food, no room service, just the basics. There was one time Tim and I got to take a mini vacation back in 1996. Tim's parents agreed to watch the boys (newborn and 2 yrs. old back then) so we could get away for a weekend. By the time we drove there, took the ferry from the Maine coast to Mongehan Island, it was late afternoon Friday. We spent Saturday and a few hours Sunday to be alone before boarding the ferry back to Maine and driving back to southern NH. Our 48 hours together were great - the island had no phones in the inn (this was before cell phones), no TV's that we saw anywhere, nothing commercial. Just homes with a few hand-made art/craft items for sale hanging by the front door, 2 or 3 restaurants (a dining room at our inn and 2 homes with the living room converted to seat half a dozen tables only), and nothing more. Our time was spent walking the island, down by the shore (way too cold to actually get in the ocean), or sitting on the screened porch playing board/card games together. It was quiet, it was just the two of us, and we were and still are very thankful for it - but it was still just 2 days.
This time our vacation will be done right. Just the two of us. For 10 days. We'll spend the first few days near and at the beach. I've never seen the CA coast, the Pacific Ocean, or a sunset on the ocean. I'm looking forward to sitting on the beach alone with Tim watching it, full of thankfulness and contentment.
Next we get on a ship and set sail for a 4 day cruise. We'll see Catalina Island, Ensenada, Mexico, then get to spend an entire day at sea enjoying the boat. On board, we hope to rest, experience better dining than what we usually do, maybe play mini golf, enjoy the pool, get a tan, take in a few shows, go sightseeing at our ports of call, and spend time just dancing together. I've only been on one cruise, for about 48 hours, and it was fun but it didn't involve Tim. I'm sooooooo looking forward to this.
After the cruise, we're staying at a Bed & Breakfast. We stayed just overnight in one close to home back in NH. Again, not a vacation, just an overnight thing. This place is close to the beach, but just a few minutes from some sightseeing areas too. Not sure which direction we'll head, but that's okay. We don't want a schedule to follow on this trip. We want to experience what it's like to choose each day as we go.
We'll have a business event to attend while we're in CA. This is actually the reason we chose to do all this in that area. We didn't want to miss the upcoming event. I'm hoping that we've seen the last of the injuries and illnesses in our home for a while, and now we'll be able to refocus our business building events to make 2014 our best year yet.
After the event, we'll spend our last vacation day, Mother's Day, visiting the San Diego Zoo. It's something I've wanted to see for a long time now. I've never seen a live polar bear, gorilla, or koala. I'm looking forward to taking lots of pictures there. After the zoo, we'll drive home so we can spend a few days with the kids, and getting Tim ready to head back out for another 2 1/2 weeks. The next time he'll be home after that should be around our actual anniversary.
I can't wait!!! This is going to be the vacation of a lifetime!

The Scariest Thing

So what has scared me in the past? An abusive father, appendicitis and having it burst, asthma attacks, running out of gas or getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere at night, getting bit by a baby black widow, getting bit by a Wolf Spider and having my skin go necrotic and black instantly, losing our home due to Bank of America's deceptive practices, declaring bankruptcy, being told my first pregnancy was ectopic (but God stepped in and saved Adam), having Logan at 3 years old push his 1 year old sister down a flight of hard stairs onto the cement basement floor, finding out my grandmother was in the hospital, experiencing a moment when our marriage could've ended, discovering a loved one's hidden addiction problem, and so much more. All these are scary, but you know what the scariest thing has been?

Recently I experienced my scariest moment. Logan developed a lump on his neck that had an accompanying headache. An ultrasound showed his lymph node was swollen 8 times its normal size and moved the muscle over it. The literature said only 3 things cause it: a neglected sore throat/infection, a neck injury, and cancer. Since neither of the first two were likely, it left us with the third option. Finding out your barely 18 year old "child" may have cancer is the scariest thing ever! Imagining him having to go through surgery, possibly chemo, radiation, losing his hair, health and strength...It was so overwhelming. I'm not sure he understood what a real possibility it was until after the fact. Then the unthinkable happened - we got a random call just 5 minutes after the doctor called with the ultrasound results. It was from a cancer center next to the local hospital. They said, "We just got a message we're supposed to call this number and set up a consultation with out specialist." Confused, I asked the typical questions you would ask, and was told we could NOT get the blood work and CT scan our doctor told us to get until AFTER we met with their Cancer Specialist. It took about 15 minutes to figure out they actually mis-dialed our number! Someone left them a voice mail saying only that they needed to call her back because her doctor told her to make an appointment ASAP. They called her back but pressed the wrong number while dialing. What are the odds of them reaching US, just FIVE MINUTES after hearing Logan's results? It was very scary.

Fortunately, I have a wonderful group of friends and family and acquaintances that were willing to lift him up in prayer before the blood work and CT scan. The results of that came back that it was an infection, antibiotics were the answer, it had shrunk to just 2cm instead of 4cm like it was, and that it was definitely NOT cancerous!

A happy ending, but absolutely the scariest thing!

Back from Vegas

I recently came back from my Vegas trip. I went to learn more about how to grow my Monavie business. There were roughly 500 people there (there were even more a week earlier in Atlanta, GA). It was also a getaway Tim, Adam & Jordan, since only Logan went on vacation this year to Boston with me.

On the way there, we stopped at the Hoover Dam so the kids could see what that was all about. The water levels just keep dropping. It's my 4th trip by there and Lake Mead drops by so much every time!

We arrived Thursday and the kids wanted to see the Vegas strip all lit up, so when it got dark, we took a drive with them to take pictures. Being in traffic, we couldn't stop for good pictures, but it gave them a chance to see it. I figured Adam would come back and I didn't want him in an accident while trying to look at everything and drive, especially with Jordan in the car. As it turned out, he took a hotel shuttle there and back, got to walk for over 7 hours, and got lots of great photos. The architecture is spectacular. He even got his picture taken with 2 showgirls wearing flesh-colored bodysuits, spike heels, and lots of feathers. Come to find out, one of them is from Mesa where he grew up and he thinks he met her a few years ago. What are the odds?

Anyway, Friday we had a pretty light day waiting for the event to start at night, so we had lunch with the kids as their one meal "out" with us. We were trying not to spend too much since Tim just took a pay cut to be home more...a pay cut of about 35%! We chose the Garden Buffet of the 8 or so restaurants in the hotel. This way we could choose our food a little more carefully. They have Seafood, Mexican, Italian, and Dessert sections (even sugar-free desserts). We avoided the more processed things like macaroni and cheese, and sauces, and chose fresher meats, real veggies, and pasta. Anyway, we had a good time.

The event itself was incredible. I can't explain how or why, but every event has a totally different vibe. Sometimes it's all about the heart, and others. Sometimes it's all about belief in yourself. Other times it's been about letting go of the past and starting fresh. This event was about breakthroughs, in my opinion. For the first time I can remember, many of the leaders on stage told how they spent years not really getting anywhere, but by following the Lifelong Learning program we offer, they grew on the inside. They learned to be better parents, grandparents, sons, daughters, friends, workers, bosses, neighbors, and more. Now their businesses have gone from stagnant to surpassing anything they'd ever accomplished before - and that brings hope to many of us that have been around the industry like us. We're in a great place with Monavie. We finally have a corporate team that wants it's newest people to win, earn back their investment quickly, and stay motivated to move on. They pay out 50% of their profits every week to us in the field, and now you can even earn a free jeep! It's not like the old Amway days when it was a "good ole boys club" and you had to be "in" with the right people or you were pushed out. Finally, a corporate team understands and values it's distributors. I love Monavie.

Anyway, back to the trip...

The kids got to use the car to drive around when they got bored, they played Minecraft on the computer with Logan from his friend's house, and the hotel had a lot to see too. It had a bowling alley, salon, pools, of course a casino, a gift shop, movie theater, several shows like illusionists, and comedians. There really was a lot to do. I think they had a good time. The strangest part for them was that they didn't expect it to look so much like Phoenix. Next time we'll have to take them someplace a little different - maybe the Pacific ocean at the San Diego beaches? We'll see.

So we're back home now and looking forward to moving on. Our next event is in southern California sometime in May. It may be just a 2 day trip for me and Tim, or if things work out well - we'll be able to take the whole family, since the kids (and I) have never seen the Pacific Ocean. It's something I've wanted to do with them for a long time.

Wish us luck!

It's almost Christmas!

Christmas is my favorite holiday. It's a time full of hope and joy, bright lights, hot cocoa, giving people gifts to show you care and want to do something nice for them, and it's a time when it's okay to express my faith. This blog will not be about the spiritual aspect of Christmas. Those who know me understand that is the first and foremost point of the season. With that said, this entry is about the other aspects of Christmas for me.


Every year I go in with high expectations of a warm, fuzzy feeling surrounded by loving family members. Sometimes circumstances distract from that, like in the past, financial struggles. Other times I feel very lonely because no one in my family except Tim's parents live close enough to spend Christmas with us. Sometimes it's because everyone's work schedule is so different, we have to rush through a meal, or eat at a weird time (Thanksgiving dinner was me and 5 teenagers at 9:30 at night).


Every year we have a theme too. We've done Italian, Mexican, Greek, Traditional American, Victorian, and this year...Scottish Christmas! Not only does that determine our menu, but our theme often is reflected in how we decorate our tree. This year we have a tree that's got lots of red, green, gold, and plaid. We used plaid ribbon on our tree. I've always liked the look of ribbon on the trees but never got it right (I'm too Obsessive Compulsive), so I'd decide not to use it. This year, Jordan did it and it looks amazing! I love it! I worked to create a large bow by hand from the ribbon. It wasn't easy, and I sort of cheated in how I did it to keep it together, but it looks great on top of our tree too.


I'm excited about the menu this year. We'll have a few traditional things like Egg Nog and green bean casserole (I never had it growing up and never knew about it until a few years ago. The kids love it and want it whenever possible.) We also will have Scotch Eggs, they're hard-boiled eggs, surrounded in (turkey for us) sausage, then put in bread crumbs and cooked. Also we'll skip the mashed potatoes in favor of potato pancakes. My Scottish grandfather used to make them and although I don't have too many great memories of him, that is one of them. Our family would gather at my grandmother's place, across the hall from his apartment, open the back doors that joined on a back porch, and we would enjoy his potato pancakes...me, my mother and sisters (babies at the time), my Aunts Donna and Brenda, and my cousins Vinny & Tanya. Anyway, we'll also have brussel sprouts with (turkey)bacon, peas, and the Scottish desserts will be Shortbread cookies, homemade vanilla custard, Chranachan, and Treacle with Golden Syrup. (That one's hard to explain, you'll have to look it up if you're interested.)


The best part this year is that Tim will be home, Jordan will be here, of course, Logan is off from work, and although Adam has to work 2 AM to 10 AM, then go back in Christmas night at 10 PM, we will have time for all of us to be together. The kids are old enough to shop for each other's gifts now and I love seeing how hard they try to think and find just the right things. Also, the kids are old enough to appreciate not only what they get, but all that we can do together. They have spent the last 2 years getting to appreciate Tim for all he does for us. They also have rebuilt, or maybe built for the first time, a good relationship with him. I love that they can all be together and enjoy spending time with each other. Being together, laughing, sharing things, to me, THAT is what "home for the holidays" should be like.

It's Fall!

Fall in Arizona is very brief. It comes later here than the rest of the country, and it turns to winter very quickly (which still isn't so bad here). I had the great experience of being in New England until October 1st. I got to see the leaves change colors, the humidity dropped to a drier climate, and the cooler temperatures had just set in. I expected to be freezing, but even at the water's edge in Boston on a cloudy day, I really enjoyed it.






Now that we're into the beginning of November, fall is setting in here. We've had a few weeks where it's been in the 70s instead of the 80s, so it actually feels like fall. The windows and doors are open, we're getting outside more, and it feels great to sit outside with a cup of coffee or tea and just relax. This year, I'm going to try to spend fall outdoors. Usually I run around like crazy and before you know it, I missed the cool weather and it's spring again, heading into the 90s. I plan on taking each day more slowly this time around. I will enjoy spiced cider, pumpkin flavored foods, cool breezes, walks in the park, trips to the zoo, hot cocoa on the patio at night, and if I'm lucky, I'll catch a few fall local events that are outdoors too. The kids even carved pumpkins for the first time ever this year, thanks to the help of Logan's girlfriend, CJ.



I've added a few fall decorations around the house, nothing too much, but I can't wait til Thanksgiving so I can set up for Christmas. It's my favorite holiday. We've got all our decorations for this year already. Every year we do a theme like "Mexican", "Italian", or "Greek". This year, since my reunion with my Ferguson family, we decided to do a Scottish Christmas (without the haggis, before you ask).



Our tree will have plaid bows, red and gold ornaments with white and red berries, pine cones, and a few green accents to tie it all together. Unfortunately, the days of easily finding plaid ornaments and decorations are gone. Now they're super expensive or you have to order them from the U.K.!
We're putting together a traditional Scottish menu and the gifts will be wrapped in a nice plaid paper I found. I can't wait!

Heading back to New England

Next week I'm heading back to New England with my middle child, now almost 18. So many things I'd like to do in the Boston area, but not enough days to do it unless I stayed for almost a month and had my whole family going with me. There are a few highlights I will have time for and I'm looking forward to all of them:

1. I get to see lots of my Scottish family! I'll be seeing cousins I haven't seen in 37 years! My grandmother who turns 92 this year. My mother I haven't seen in 10 years. My 14 year old nephew I haven't seen since he was about 4. My sister who I haven't been with in 10 years. Lots of Aunts & Uncles I haven't seen in 5 years. And tons of other cousins.

2. I get to see two very dear friends that I've stayed friends with, even across the miles and years. We tend to lose touch, but when I'm with them, it's like old times again instantly. One I've known for over a decade and we watched our children grow up at the same time. All five of them have turned into wonderful young men and women and we're both proud of them all. The other friend I met when we were about 7. We stayed best friends from second grade through most of high school. We lost touch after that through jobs, moves, different circles, etc. but after years of searching out common friends, facebook, and google searches, we found each other again about 7 years ago. We saw each other 5 years ago, but it's amazing how fast these last 5 have passed. Now we'll get to reunite, my son will get to meet her and her family, and I get to see how quickly her boys have grown.

3. My sister is getting married! After years of being together, they're finally getting married and starting their own life together in their own new home. I absolutely love my new brother-in-law, he's perfect for her, and his family loves her to death. They've been so kind to her already. I'm so happy to see it become official. I'm so glad I can be there for their special day.

4. My youngest wants to collect sand from beaches around the world. When I last visited New England 5 years ago I bought her beach-themed souvenirs from my trip for her birthday that summer. Now she wants me to bring her back a small container or baggie of sand. I don't know exactly how and when I'll find time to do that, but I will because I know it's important to her - and not something I'll have the chance to do for a while. It will give me a chance to bring my son back to the last beach where he jumped waves when he was 7, to hear the ocean waves crashing on the shore, to smell the salty air, to hear the seagulls overhead, and to feel the moisture in the wind. I miss the beach sometimes, especially that first summer-like day of the year. I grew up on the shores of Mass. & NH, but if I ever bought a beach house, it would be where the water is WARM, maybe the southern coast of Texas.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to our trip, and I hope to get great city shots of Boston and it's architecture during our flight to and our wait at the airport on our flight home. I'll try to get a picture of the Logan Tower at the airport :-)

What do we have to show for it?

Many times in my life, I'd look back after 10 years of marriage, or on my 40th birthday, or after Adam graduated, or some other milestone. When I looked back, I would sort of mentally assess the past compared to the future and I thought, "What do I have to show for it?" I suppose in a material and worldly perspective, many people, including me, would have to admit we don't have much compared to a typical American family at this stage of the game. We don't have the big house we always wanted - we rent a small place that's within our price budget because we lost our home a few years ago when the job market changed. We also were victims of the Bank of America schemes and illegal practices which caused the entire problem.


Side note: We had never been late on our payments, but they told us our credit was too good, so we had to skip paying for 3 months to qualify because then we'd be in a category of need they could work with to refinance. In about 60 days during this process we received a letter from B of A saying our mortgage and home were sold to some trust company, who then told us to get out almost immediately because it was going to auction. That led to a class action lawsuit nationwide of homes they illegally took from families and resold like this to make quick profits. We got back less than $2000 in compensation for the hell that followed, including needing to give up our jobs because of moving, and having to declare bankruptcy.


Anyway, now I ask myself - okay, what do we REALLY have to show for the past 20+ years of struggles? Here's a few of the answers:

1. Because we sacrificed two paychecks so I could stay home and raise/educate our kids, we have responsible, mature, articulate children that know right from wrong and can teach themselves how to learn what they're interested in learning.

2. We have learned to appreciate what we have. Our kids understand the work that's required to earn things, so instead of the entitlement or "give me it now" attitude I see in so many young people today, they weigh out what they want and what they really NEED, then they figure out a way to work and save for those things that are important.
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3. I have a 20 year story about the growth of my faith. Having been through all kinds of trials involving finances, neighbors kids who bullied mine, marriage ups and downs, health miracles, and incredible experiences that go far beyond the odds of "coincidence", I've now got experience. I have seen God step into situations and fix them in ways I couldn't possibly have hoped to turn out so well. I've received unexpected amounts from unbelievable sources that match the exact amount of money needed at the time. Our family has been blessed with so much!

4. I have a strong marriage to show for the years. We've been through so much. There's been two times in particular that I was done and wanted to walk out, but God literally stepped in and changed EVERYTHING in a heartbeat to bring us where we are today. We now have the most secure, close, honest, open, fun, respectful, and loving marriage than ever before. We've both grown, been changed, and had experiences that although many were horrific at the time, changing any of it would have led to a different place - so I respect the journey we've had to take to get here.

5. We are debt-free because of our life's journey. We don't have a mortgage (although we'd like one a year from now), we haven't had a car payment in many years since we paid off everything a long time ago. We have only one credit card that we use for medical, dental, and car emergencies, and we pay it off before the bill even becomes due. That takes so much pressure off our shoulders. There's no heavy weight hanging over us making us feel guilty for anything we do together as a family. We don't live under the "we can't afford it" mentality on an hourly basis. We're free to plan and save for things we decide are important.

6. We have a great relationship with all of our teens, which I know is pretty rare these days. Our kids talk to us about their problems, ask for solutions but never handouts, we discuss today's issues and topics with honesty, we share our good and bad times, and because we had to go through struggles to get to this point, we appreciate the relationships even more.

So maybe in the eyes of our American "never have enough" attitudes, we don't appear to have much to show for the past 21 years together, but the way I see it, we have more to show for it than most people's superficial scorecard. I'm living under many blessings. I have so much to be thankful for in my life. I'm content with where we're at, but I've built up enough faith and belief that yes, we will have a home of our own again, update our vehicles, and get to travel. We just have to get out there and earn it first, but they're not the most important things. We've already been given everything we really "NEED".

Jordan's 15!

Today Jordan is 15. How did this happen so quickly? I have been home for almost every day of her life. Our only time apart in 15 years has been my trip to New England 5 years ago (she went camping with Tim and the boys), her few days at a summer bible camp in the mountains, a small handful of sleepovers at friends' houses, and my 2 part-time jobs a few years ago. Other than that, I've been there every day of her life - yet it still went by so quickly. When young parents are told how quickly the time passes, it's hard to believe because you're just entering a life-long commitment. When you're caught up in the day to day of changing diapers, running from sports to dance and other classes, and trying to keep an organized home, it's hard to understand how fast the years will pass.

Happy Birthday, Jordan! I'm proud of who you're becoming.

My favorite moment of this week:

Tim was home Wed. afternoon through 3 AM on Thursday. On Wed. we were getting ready for bed. Jordan came to give him a hug so she wrapped her arms around both of us and yelled, "Group hug!" Imagine my surprise when the boys, 17 and 19 came over and joined us! It was that moment in my life I had always hoped for. A moment of family unity. Seeing the kids wanting to be hugging their Dad. It's been a rough 21 years of ups and downs, but I love the new relationships the boys (and Jordan) have with Tim. We've instilled most of what we can already in the boys, so now Tim can learn to be their friend and mentor going forward. I love that Jordan calls him "Daddy" at almost 15 years old. That was my favorite moment of this week.

June 1

My gosh, it's been a fast couple of weeks! I'd love to write for hours about every little detail of it, but time just doesn't allow for that. Here's the bullet points of it:

The first 10 days of May were hectic. I was busy packing up the last of the house, trying to get any last-minute big cleaning jobs done, making half a dozen trips to Goodwill to donate things we hadn't used in over a year (and probably wouldn't in the next year), cleaning up the yard, tossing lots of trash, changing over all the utilities, changing our address with important companies, physicians, mystery shopping companies, and dentists, and making sure everything would go smoothly to move into our new place.

The weekend Tim was home to move, it happened to also be Mother's Day. We got him the night before, picked up the truck early - as soon as the Uhaul place opened, picked up an almost brand new pair of washer & dryers I'd found on Craig's List the day before, moved out everything, and moved into the new place - where we hadn't seen the inside yet, just pictures and floor plans. We ended up with less cabinets than expected, but more closet space. I had no idea Tim had accumulated so much big, garage-type stuff that you can't store in a carpeted home. Big, heavy, rusty, metal things! They live on our patio until further notice - but at least I made them look neat. The second day we headed over to the old house to clean. Who would've guessed an empty house we cleaned regularly, and scrubbed weekly would take us 4 hours to clean on the last day?! We also did the yard that day too. I wanted ALL my deposit possible, so it had to be as close to perfect as possible. Also, being friends of ours, it was very important to us that it was returned in like-new condition. After cleaning, Tim & I had plans to go out for Mother's Day, as tired as we were, and with my good clothes buried under boxes. I was so focused on the move that I didn't make plans for any particular restaurant - on the busiest day of the year! We tried Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Mimi's Cafe, everything was packed, even at an odd time like 3:00 in the afternoon! We ended up at Hibachi Grill in Mesa. It's not super classy, but for a decent price I could pick and choose what and how much of what I ate. They do stir fry meat/veggies right there for you on a big grill, they have sushi for Tim, and lots of Asian choices - along with a few more American dishes. It's one of the cleanest buffets we've seen, so we decided to stay there. Besides, by then we were starving.

Unfortunately, we had to skip seeing Iron Man 3 because Tim got called into work so early on Monday morning, that he would've had to leave at 3 a.m., so rather than having me get up at 1:30 in the morning to take him back to his truck 25 miles across town, we decided to end our weekend together short and return him Sunday night.

The next week I was very busy trying to get everything put away. I'm very OCD and boxes everywhere brings out my claustrophobia and makes it hard to breathe. I didn't get it all put away in 2 days like I usually do, but within 3 or 4 days, it was done. It was hard losing a 2-car garage and storage shed, but we did it.

The next two weeks were filled with continuing to finish up our school year, Adam's graduation ceremony, requirements, and party plans, as well as work on something for my 21st Anniversary with Tim. During this month, I still had bible studies to work on and attend, dentist appointments to make, Mystery Shops to do, etc.

The last weekend in May was great. I got Tim early enough on Thursday that we got done 99% of his usual "restock the truck for another 3 week trip" errands. I had time to finish up helping Adam get ready for graduation and see Logan off to work on the motorcycle from now on. The graduation day on Friday was great. The morning was relaxing, we spent the afternoon together at Alice Cooperstown restaurant near the graduation, then when it was time for the ceremony, we went in, us 4 (plus Adam), Adam's girlfriend, Hope, Tim's parents, and Aunt Gail from Georgia. The ceremony was great and the speech by Congressman Trent Franks was very inspiring too.

On Saturday, we had Adam's party. Lots of great food, and friends dropped by all day, CJ (Logan's girlfriend), Davin, and Austin. It was fun, especially afterwards when we spent the afternoon listening to our boys play guitar and sing with CJ. Then Logan went to work, CJ left, Adam & Hope went out, Jordan got settled in for the night, and Tim and I were able to head out and finally see Iron Man 3!

It's been a great end to the month of May, and a great beginning to start off June.

April flew by.

1. I recovered from my oral surgery and finally had my permanent crown put in. Four months to do what should've been 3 weeks. 2. Production week and 3 shows of Seussical the Musical. 3. Adam's prom with Hope. 4. Logan started working at Pizza Hut. 5. Logan started dating CJ. 6. We got accepted for our new place and I had to pack up the whole house. 7. Tim's few days home we had to fix up around the house so when we leave, everything's in good working order. 8. Tried to finish up most of the 4th quarter of our homeschool year. 9. Began selling off old curriculum. 10. 4 bags of clothes and many boxes of stuff I was ready to part with and donated to Goodwill. 11. Had to go through all the stuff in the storage shed. 12. Began a new Bible Study on Tuesdays. 13. Continued facilitating the Spiritual Gifts test. 14. Working on grades, GPAs, paperwork requests, ACT test signups, college info, etc. for Logan. 15. Had to figure out how to reduce costs and upgrade to smart phones in May. May should be just as busy.

Getting ready for the move...

Today is Sunday. We move Friday. In the next 5 days, I have to pack every last thing to be moved. I think I'm almost there, but when I see my daughter's room, I feel there's so much undone. She swears she needs everything in it right up to the last night. As for the rest of the house, we're in good shape, but there's so many little details. It's part of the reason I'm not sleeping again. I was doing great and sleeping 5 and 6 hours in a row after we first were told we could move where we wanted. I did great after we began the packing, and after signing the documents to move in. This last week, I've had trouble sleeping again. Part of it is explained on my faith blog, but another part of it is just anxiety I would bet. It's hard to pack up an entire house by myself, keep track of paying off the last of the bills here while establishing the new ones for the new place. It's hard to juggle the finances when every day there's so much going on, between deposits, connection charges, things we need, etc. Fortunately, we've been blessed during this time with enough money to do all that we need to do, so it's not that kind of financial struggle, but it's keeping it all straight that's hard. We're also trying to finish up the 4th quarter of school. I could easily stop and have them resume after the move but they're both in the middle of chapters and with a two week break, they'd never do well on the end of chapter tests. Motivating them to do work at this time is so hard. In all this, Tim's gone. It's not easy doing it all alone. Hopefully by the beginning of 2014 (or sooner) he'll have a more local or regional job with this company so he'll be home either every weekend, or a few times a week, or dare I hope, every night? I still have to manually change our address with a few dozen businesses, and worse, go through the boxes that are left in the storage shed. The boxes left are somewhat open, not sealed up tight, and there's everything out there from black widow and brown recluse spiders, to bark scorpions. Every box needs to be pulled out, and gone through completely to be sure we aren't bringing anything poisonous with us. If I can do this without getting bitten or stung, it'll be a miracle! I've killed so many spiders and scorpions in there already. It doesn't help that it's been near 100 degrees all week and the critters are seeking quiet, shady, cooler shelter. 5 more days, then we move and it's done. Five more days...Five more days...

Seussical the Musical

This is a special weekend for Logan. It's probably his last play with Moezart Productions. He's almost 18, he'll be a Senior next year, and we don't anticipate him having time in his schedule to do it again - especially since he's started working at Pizza Hut on top of everything else. We have many great memories of him performing in plays in Chandler. He's started off as Snoopy in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. Usually the role is played by a big, tall 11th or 12th grader. There's a huge monologue to be memorized during Snoopy's scene where he's imagining fighting the Red Baron. Logan did it perfectly as a 6th grader! He was technically too young for Moezart, but the owner wanted him to try it out. It was his first play ever and he stole the show. Lots of little kids in the audience that asked him for his autograph after the show. He and Adam were in a few plays together, and I know I'll forget a few, but they did The Greatest Christmas Pageant Ever, Cheaper by the Dozen, Fools, Antshillvania, all three kids were in that one, the Music Man, Sherlock Holmes, and Seussical the Musical. Getting to know the families involved has been such a blessing. I've made some friendships there that range from deep, close and personal to a "family" feel. We moved away for two years and when we came back, the younger siblings were now on stage, the older ones had graduated and moved on (but still come back to watch the performances), and many of the parents are still there. I've spent many years with some of these families and I feel privileged to know many of them. Watching Logan develop different friendships with the other kids as he's gone through different seasons of his life has been wonderful to experience as well. It's definitely sad to think this is his last show, his last role, his goodbye to Moezart Productions, but at least we'll be able to come to their future shows and see many of our friends, and hopefully meet some new ones.

Preparing for Address #11 in 21 years.

Well, we're moving again. It'll be our 11th address in 21 years of marriage - and that includes staying at one location for 7 years! We've definitely moved a lot, probably more than most. Why? Well, when we first got married, we did that in NH but had moved our date up because Tim was working as a volunteer on a Congressional campaign for a friend of the family in Arizona. We got married and our first address was in Mesa, AZ. After the elections, we returned to NH but were living with his parents while we saved for our first home. Then we bought a mobile home for us and decided to have Adam. All that worked great until we made the decision to take responsibility for my teenage younger sister - now we needed a 3rd bedroom. Since my in-laws bought the horse farm where they boarded their horses, and there was a 3 bedroom home on-site, we lived there to watch over the horses. After our third child, we decided we better toy something of our own. We bought a duplex in NH. It came with tenants that paid the entire mortgage so we lived pretty close to free for a year. We decided to get into real estate and purchased several more multi-family houses. We lived in 3 of them all together. We missed Arizona and hated the snow, and the cold, so we moved back to Arizona in 2003. We stayed there for 7 years until the place I worked at closed, and its replacement company was headed that way too. Tim also had to take a pay cut to keep his job. Our credit cards (which we only used for necessities, not dining out, movies, shopping) went from a guaranteed "2% for the life of the balance" to 28% overnight for no reason whatsoever. The companies just decided to change the deal, all in the same month. Our bank told us we couldn't apply for a re-fi on the house because we had excellent credit. They were only considering families "in trouble". We were advised by the mortgage company to get 3 to 6 months behind so they could deal with our situation. Against my begging for a better solution, we decided to follow their advice. Within 75 days, we received a notice our mortgage had been sold, we could not pay them what we owed since they no longer held the account, the new company was some private trust company, and it was being auctioned soon. We had to move and let it foreclose. We moved to the White Mts. of AZ to again live with Tim's parents who'd moved here a few years earlier. We spent two years in a very rural county, not even recognized as a town, no central government, nothing to do for three teenagers but work in the garden and yard. Good experience, but living there, we'd NEVER earn enough to have a place of our own again, nor buy groceries without government help, nor have gas to get the 35 miles to the grocery store! We had to leave. Tim took advantage of a program there to change careers, get training, and become a flatbed, over-the-road truck driver. That meant we had to move back to the city. He couldn't take the chance of having the road to the city closed for snow and he couldn't get to work 3 1/2 hours away. That happened the day before he was to start his company's training. I was blessed to have some wonderful friends who knew we were good, responsible people who just got hit unexpectedly by the economy in 2010. They were willing to give us a chance. They allowed us to live in a beautiful 3-bedroom home while we got back on our feet. They also knew our budget restraints since Tim was just starting out. He barely earned his first few paychecks when they let us move into their rental home. They gave us a reduced rate that has gotten us back into good credit standing, allowed us to fix some major medical and dental issues in our family, put aside some savings, and live a normal life again. Now we are moving to a new place. The one year lease is up here and the rent will increase by almost 30% (and rightly so, to be fair). Our friends will rent this place out for more money, which is great for them, and we'll gather a few more amenities and things for the kids to do in the process. Our new rent will be less than the increase would've been, which allows us to save for our own house that much sooner. This will be our 11th address, and the plan is to stay for 12 to 24 months while we save like crazy for a home in Scottsdale near our church home. Move to our 12th address will hopefully be our last. We hope to buy the home we really want, with space for us, and a few extra room for the kids, or someday grandkids, or friends & relatives to visit. We'll be able to fix it up any way we want, plant a garden and fruit trees of our own. That should be our last move.

My 4??? birthday.

What an odd birthday I had today. I was so happy to have no set plans so I could sleep in, then at 6 am my body and mind were wide awake. Then I spent the morning just relaxing, but feeling anxious because I didn't want to "waste a perfectly good birthday". Tim was so wonderful. He was ready to go anywhere I wanted and do anything I asked. He was also the first to say Happy Birthday to me. That was a first. I planned on coloring eggs with the kids, or at least getting pictures of them doing it, around 2 pm, so I spent the morning boiling eggs and trying the oven baking method (which did NOT turn out well, sorry Pinterest). I left with Tim to check out a new grocery store I'd heard about, but it wasn't very exciting, so we got milk and came home. The kids, now teens, colored eggs together. Well, Logan & Jordan did. Adam kept saying he wanted to, but later. He had his girlfriend over, and she would've but she fell asleep watching a movie and Adam never got around to it. The other two had fun though, and it gave me the eggs I needed to make deviled eggs for Easter the next day. After taking Logan to work at Pizza Hut, Tim and I went out to enjoy my birthday dinner out together. We had originally planned on Pita Jungle in Chandler. I like Mediterranean food there and you can sit by the water, but for some reason, I really wanted to have steak, and I knew if it wasn't a good amount of food for the money, Tim wouldn't enjoy it as much. We happened to get a coupon recently for the Black Angus Steakhouse. We were able to order an appetizer to share, two entrees, and a shared dessert for under $40. He ordered the NY Strip steak and I got the filet mignon. I figured that would be the softest choice with my new temporary crown. It's only 6 ounces, more than enough. I got mashed potatoes with it and onion rings, but they were too big, messy, crumbly, and crispy, so I gave half to Tim. It was the most food I'd eaten in a long time. Living on soft foods for a month changes your appetite and portion sizes quite a bit! I actually enjoy eating less, I feel better, I don't get sleepy after eating and I have more energy. I noticed a while back I've never laid on my bed feeling sick after a meal and thought, "I always feel like this after eating healthy." I've made lots of small, healthier changes over the years, but I think I'm making better strides than ever. I didn't even have leftovers from the Easter baskets - you know - when you make sure everyone has the same number of candies and there's one or two left over in the bag. This year I just purchased 3 of everything so there wouldn't be any left over. Good thinking, less temptation. By the time my birthday was coming to a close, I felt much better. I'd spent it with my husband and children. That's important because I treasure little moments knowing they're almost grown and everything may be our "last time to do it together". I also wanted steak to be the first real meal I eat once I could eat normal foods again, mission accomplished, and it was better than I could've done at home, plus no dishes and cleanup. I felt rested, but not bored. I look forward to Easter tomorrow.

We're moving...finally!

After much fear over our soon to be rising costs where we are, we finally got the call from the community we have been waiting on. Since December, I've waited for a 3 bedroom unit to open up. We need the larger one for all the closet space since there's still 5 of us until Adam can move out, but we had resigned for sake of timing, that we would accept the smaller 3 bedroom until. I got a call yesterday morning stating a smaller 3 bedroom was available. I was thrilled! It was on the second floor (which makes it a bit safer, right?), and it faced a quiet, tree-lined street, and was right in front of the office/clubhouse/pool building. I told the manager I'd take it. Within about an hour, she called back to say she had just been informed that a larger 3 bedroom was also coming available! It was in the other side I didn't like as much, it was in the back corner, has no washer and dryer, and it's on the first floor. It's also about $100/month more - but it may have a new kitchen. She wasn't sure. If it doesn't, the rent will be less. Although I like everything about the smaller unit better, the boys will pick up more bedroom square footage, we have a pantry in the kitchen, more balcony space, and 2 or 3 additional closets for storage so we don't need to rent a storage unit. That's good, because I've always felt that if you needed one, you have too much stuff. If it's because your living area is too small, than in most cases, having all that stuff usually means your living beyond what you can afford. Anyway, we get to move in about 8 weeks. That gives me plenty of time to acquire boxes and a few bins, pack up everything, give away everything we don't need, and make sure everything here is clean, looking like-new, and in proper working order. I'm so excited about this. For less than our rental increase, here's what we'll be adding: a pool, a spa, a clubhouse, a gym, basketball courts, horseshoe pits, tennis courts, roller hockey rink, 24 hour security/safety officers, bikes at the office that you can borrow to go out locally without using your car and gas, barbecue grills, a guard at the gate in the evening, and because of the income restrictions, we know you have to earn a certain amount to afford living there - so that should keep out the troublemakers. There's on-site laundry (although we'll need a washer & dryer upon moving in with a family our size and the boys needing work uniforms to be cleaned several times during the week). Our living room is about to expand, and we'll have a covered patio with privacy from high walls, gorgeous green grass in every direction, and mountain views off the back of the community. The best part is that we're still very close to where we are now, it's only about 2 to 3 miles away, so we'll get to stay in familiar territory and it won't affect the boys getting to work hardly at all. Let the countdown begin!

Easing into "normal" again...

With just a few days left before I get fitted for my permanent crown, and only a week before my next birthday, and with 8 days til Easter, and a new month coming up, and spring taking off...I'm slowly easing back into a "normal" life. March is a great month here in Arizona. It's cold enough to still count as winter, but the sun in warmer, the breeze is here for a few weeks as the seasons change, and grass is growing again. My back yard is all green again - it's so different when the yard looks like a yard instead of just dirt and rocks. We had very soft, thick, tall clover until Logan landscaped the yard last weekend. He spent two hours trimming, mowing, edging, and cleaning up the yard, and the front lawn (well, it's almost a lawn again). It's warm enough to keep our back doors open almost all day, every day right now. I love fresh air and a soft breeze carrying through the house. I made a bunch of homemade cleaners last night and did our spring cleaning. I'm trying to get rid of unnecessary chemicals in our home environment. With three teenagers, that's not easy. They have so much stuff! Body sprays, specific colognes, tons of body washes, piles of hair products, and lots of cologne. Getting them on board may not be possible right now, but I'm doing what I can. It's also a great season for visiting the local Farmer's Markets. Honestly, the prices are a lot higher than I expect when I get there, so I see what's local and in season, then go buy it at our Sprouts (natural and organic) grocery store. Right now I can get organic avocados for under a buck, 3 pounds of organic apples for just $2.50, organic bananas for anywhere from .69/lb down to just .49/lb, and more. I'm trying to get outside more and more, too. I realize that soon it'll be too hot to walk outside for extended periods of time, so now is the time to do it. I'm walking at the zoo, visiting more outdoor events, and walking in parks. I feel stronger and healthier every day. Soon I'll be back to normal.

Insomnia? or stress?

Once again I find myself up in the middle of the night. Actually, I've been up every night for the past three days. It's getting harder to function all day. I often wonder if I'm up most of the night because I have insomnia, or if it's stress related. Let's see what the past 90 days have been like... December, I broke a tooth that shirred off down to the root like a glacier. I found a wonderful dentist who was willing to fix it before the office closed for Christmas week. My normal dentist, whom I don't really like anyway, refused to see me for weeks, so I was very blessed to have found this new one. I was a stranger to her, yet she was willing to allow us to make payments for the $500 expenses, so that's also a blessing. Also, Tim's unexpected bonus came the day before I needed to pay the first half, so although I was in her chair for 3 hours, and it was uncomfortable, many blessings were given to me as well. Christmas was good, low stress, and full of peaceful, family time with Tim home longer than usual. January, I found out I needed a "crown lengthening" procedure before the dentist could give me a permanent crown. Apparently, I have short teeth. Anyway, the way our insurance policy works is that we have to pay the $1000 up front, submit to MEDICAL first, get denied, then submit to dental with the rejection letter. We're just getting back on our feet, Tim's in a new job, he broke a crown in the fall we hadn't paid off yet, and my temporary crown meant for two weeks would now have to last two months. That's stressful. We decided to apply for a credit card (that will live in the safe, but we'll have it for emergency medical/dental procedures) because there was no other way to save that much in less than 6 months. We were fortunate enough to get accepted, but it still took a month from application to receiving the card. Stressful. February, the temporary fell off. Not so bad, but the dental assistant didn't want it to fall off again. Since the oral surgeon was booked until almost 4 weeks later, she hollowed it out and pushed it down hard, aggravating a nerve. It was so thinned out that it blew out the back quarter from the pressure just 48 hours later. The office didn't want me to come in for a new one. It now didn't fit, was bulky, had an edge aggravating both my cheek and my tongue, and was thin like a contact lens, so it was pretty loose. I finally got my appointment for the crown lengthening surgery. It was twice what I was told it would be. Both sides of the gums had to be done, four incisions, 8 stitches, and 4 weeks of gum healing before I can go back to the dentist (and have to deal with that loose, broken temporary crown in the meantime). I'd say that's stress-related issues. I did find the blessing in the situation, though. My friends prayed for me before the procedure. I ended up with better than expected results and fast healing. Also, my sister and brother in law came in just a few days later to take my mind off the situation. We had a great time. That first week, I had a "cold pack" on the surgical site, which looked like silly putty on both sides of the gum. That helped that crown feel more normal and even, and the pack helped hold it on. I slept great for a week. March, I had my one week checkup where the cold pack gets removed. Now that the tooth is virtually "taller", the temporary crown is even worse. It's like a large mushroom cap, barely balancing on a taller stem. It's boxy, broken, and has me VERY stressed out! If it falls out, the dentist can't really touch the gums yet to put it back on. The oral surgeon can't really do anything else for it since it was made too thin and it's broken. So for the next 2 1/2 weeks, I'm stressed, sore, and up at night worrying about losing it. I'm not really finding the blessing in this one. So although I've had insomnia for my whole life, I still feel that maybe this time, it really is the stress. I've tried relaxation techniques, peaceful bedtime routines, wearing myself out during the day, lots of chamomile tea, over the counter sleep aids of various kinds, natural melatonin, and nothing seems to be working. Any ideas? I'm tired!