Living Simply

This blog has developed into a blog about living a more simple life, as well as minimalism. Hopefully it will give you ideas how to simplify your life and get the most out of it.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Living Simply Challenge Day 3: Let It Go Emotionally

     This one topic is going to be a bit touchy because not everyone is "there yet" or even wants to be as a minimalist. People's emotions are something very individual and personal, and there's never going to be one opinion that everyone agrees with but having said that, take what you can apply from this and let the rest go.

     Things - they are inanimate objects without emotion, unable to give support, unable to relive moments of the past. Only the mind can do that. Memories aren't stored in things, they're stored in our mind. Often we associate memories to things, we attach value (or at least MORE value) to things because they remind us of a place, the person who gave it to us, the person it used to belong to, or even just a happier time in the past. There is real freedom to being able to enjoy the memory in your mind but let go of the material thing. Here's an example:

     When people die, it's usually up to their relatives to figure out what to do with their houseful of stuff, and depending on how old they were, how long they lived there, it can be 60 years or more of stuff. So what do you do when it's your turn to go through it all and decide what to do with it? Most people sell what they can if something has value, like a car, or jewelry, art, etc. The next step is to ask friends and family what they would like to remember that person. Next some gets donated to a charity or organization. Somehow, there's always still boxes of their stuff that you just don't know what to do with - you just aren't sure if you should get rid of it or let it go. Those things themselves have no meaning for you because they weren't things you collected, nor from places you've been, nor gifts from people you know (if you even know who gave the thing). I will briefly say I have been given a few things that belonged to people who've passed away but honestly - those things don't have emotional attachment because I never remember seeing them in that piece of jewelry, I don't like the style of the things (for example if my house were modern or art deco and this is country kitchen or cabin in the woods style). I remember my daughter kept a binder full of greeting cards we were told belonged to her great-grandmother. We assumed they were cards given to her in her lifetime. For over 5 years and 3 addresses, she held onto them until one night we pulled them out to see who they were all from. It turned out that they were NOT cards given to her! They were cards given to what I can only guess was a friend from where she lived over 30 years ago - who we'd never heard about - and all had long hand-written notes on them, some were 2 pages long. My daughter's great-grandmother wasn't even mentioned in them so I'm not sure if this was even a close friend. Our best guess is that someone gave these cards to HER when her friend passed away figuring they'd hold memories to someone other than the owner. It struck us as ridiculous to have carried these things around needlessly attaching emotions to them that we never should have. There was no connection from our loved one to us through those cards. We threw them out and have never regretted letting them go.

     Another similar story but with a more serious tone was described by minimalist Joshua Fields Milburn when his mother died and he was going through her things. What he found changed his life. You can read it here:

Essay on Letting Go

     On a bit of a sadder note, I will try to share an experience with as much anonymity as I can. I know someone who collected a category of things because that person had dreams of using them to build great memories with their family. Unfortunately work and bills always seemed to come first, around the time that started to change for them and owning stuff became something undesired, the recession hit and things got really bad. That stuff could've been used during the time that person was unemployed, but emotionally they just weren't up to it. Once back on their feet, work again became the priority and time flew by, in years. Now that person no long had positive emotions attached to all that stuff. It was all negative emotions of missed opportunities and little chance of using it as time marches on. That person gifted and donated it because now it was only a reminder of sadness. It was so difficult to watch. Don't hang onto things you won't use, but if you do have things that could add value to your life, use them before opportunity slips away.

     Let's briefly talk about gifts. I love giving gifts far more than I receive them. If I get a gift that a person bought for me but I know the clothing doesn't fit, or I'll never wear that color/style/size jewelry, or again it's opposite of my home or personal style, I am grateful they thought of me. I'm thankful they took the time to get me something. I wonder why they saw it and thought of me when often it's more a reflection of something more their style, but still, I feel a little spark of warmth, like a quick hug, for a minute. Unfortunately, after that initial moment, how much joy do we expect it to bring? Do we look at it and feel that hug again? Maybe, but it's not the thing that makes us feel it. It's our mind and heart and our love for that person that makes us relive the moment - the object had nothing to do with it. Don't believe me? I have been given probably over 100 candles in my life, another 50 bubble bath type sets, dozens of perfumes, all of which I couldn't stand because the smell hit my nose differently than it probably did the gift-giver's. It smelled pungent, sometimes even burning my nose a little. What did I do with them? I gave them away or donated them so others can enjoy them more than I will. Does that mean I don't like the giver? No, of course not. Do I lose those memories that they gave me a gift? No again. All I have to do is think about let's say Christmas morning or a birthday and remember how sweet that person is - they always remember me and buy something to let me know they remembered me. THAT MEMORY RIGHT THERE, that's what brings me the warm fuzzy feeling. That's what draws me closer to them in that moment, not smelling a pungent aroma. Sometimes the gifts are wonderful and exactly my style. They can be given with lots of thought put into it about what would be special to me. I have a few people who excel at this in my life. I just don't need the same things in my life decades later, that's all. What may have been important during a season of my life now can't hold a candle to more important, intimate things that add value. My father-in-law has always been a person not prone to mindless gift giving, not expecting gifts on every man-made holiday. His heart is touched by personal moments, whether it's a photo album of pictures of him with his grandkids, or a hand-written letter telling him how he's important to you, or something involving family. It's never been about some non-emotional material object.

     I know not everyone reading this will agree. Not everyone reading this is currently removing all clutter from their lives right now. Not everyone will want to let go of things that they feel bring them joy. By the way, on a side note, minimalism looks different to everyone. There's no one pattern or set of rules to follow. For some, a collection of mugs from places they've traveled during their marriage adds value, so it doesn't get donated. For others, it may be some other collection, or items made through their hobby, etc. Just because it holds no value to one person doesn't mean it can't bring value to you. And vice versa, just because you attach emotion to an object doesn't mean everyone else has to attach emotions too.

     Find what works for you, it's your life. Only you know what adds value and what doesn't.

No comments: