My best friend lives 3000 miles away and I only get to see her a few hours every couple of years. What makes her my best friend? She knows me. How is that possibly when she's not there to see the day to day things I do or hear what I say very often? Authenticity. We are a completely open, honest, genuine, truthful, open book with one another. There is nothing in my life I can think of that I would ever feel the need to keep secret from her. Now that doesn't mean I choose to share private things, but I don't purposely keep them from her either, we just understand that we respect each other's privacy on things like what goes on in each other's marriage, but if there was a problem either of us wanted to solve in that arena, we're comfortable with each other that she and I are "a safe place" to work things out. No hidden agendas. We want the best for each other.
So how do you get this level of authenticity with another person? or with those around you? Work. Plain and simple, it takes work. There are a few things that are required to be an authentic person, and no that doesn't include opening up every private corner of your life. It just has to do with being real in the areas that you DO choose to share, or let others view in you.
1. Be Real: Unless you're authentic, you'll never find that closeness you want with anyone else. You'll always know deep down you're wearing a mask around them, wanting them to see something different (and often better) than who you really are. Don't live your life like a Facebook profile, only exposing the cropped, altered, popular, "life is wonderful" fake you. (And that doesn't mean FB is where you air all your problems and dirty laundry, those don't need to be all over stranger's news feed either). Just be who you really are when you're with people.
2. Don't worry about keeping up with the Jones': If you're read anything about minimalism and simply living, it has everything to do with letting go of this. Who cares what someone else drives, what labels they wear, how many square feet their home is, what school they went to, what company they work for, and how often they travel? None of those things will change YOUR life. They aren't going to pay your bills if you get in trouble, so stop trying to impress and keep up with them. Quit comparing yourself to all the fake people out there. The worst is when you see people in poverty who can't pay their overhead expenses and their car hasn't started for over a year, but they have the newest $700 phone, the biggest big screen tv in the neighborhood, just got back from traveling out of the country, and wear more gold jewelry than Mr. T did in the 1980s. Quit striving to have the most debt for appearances' sake. Live BELOW your means, not just within, and never above. I'm not saying you should look the part of being poor or becoming a deprivationist (I think I made that word up). That wouldn't be authentic either. Just be you and be smart with your money.
3. Quit looking for sympathy: Life is hard. Many people who look like they have it all together, like they've "arrived", are really falling apart at the seams, they're just hiding it - but eventually it will be revealed what's really going on. Everyone has problems. Some endure never-ending pain from an injury or disease, some are fighting for their very life and you never even know it. Some have a marriage falling apart, or a family that's split over something they don't know how to fix. Maybe they have adult kids that have gone off the deep end or are in jail or are stuck in an abusive situation and they don't know what to do. People deal with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and lots of other things that make their life hell and it's not obvious on the surface. Don't be one of those people that always has to compare their plight with whatever story they hear. When someone is telling a story of something that happened to them, and you interrupt with things like: You should see what I deal with, that's nothing compared to what I had to go through, welcome to my world, or You think YOU have it bad...this does nothing to make you look good. First, it sounds like you're totally negating what the other person is trying to tell you. Second, you interrupted to say, "Stop talking about you. I want you to focus on ME instead." Third, and this is a bit harsh, but people will think you sound whiny, like it's all about you. How about instead, try being authentic. LISTEN to the other person who may just need to get out their frustration verbally. Then be supportive with a few comments. If after you've validated their feelings and let them know you understand, then you can usually tell them your similar story by starting with something like this, "You know, I get exactly what you're saying. In fact, I remember a time when _____(this happened)____ to me." That's a VERY different approach. Being authentic means being who you are, but not putting on airs to sound like you have it WORSE than everyone else. Be that breath of fresh air for other people. This world needs more heroes, not complainers. And guys, trust me, your wife wants to see the hero in you she knew you already were when she married you.
4. Don't fake it: So many times, especially around a new relationship, be it a boyfriend/girlfriend, coworker, or new friend situation, I see people pretend to be or like different things than what's authentic. They hate seafood, but suffer through a sushi dinner to be polite. Be authentic, tell the other person the truth and find a different place to eat that's enjoyable for both of you. Don't be a martyr. If you hate "chick flick" dramas, be honest. Find maybe a comedy, documentary, mystery, or some other type of movie to watch together. If you hate rap music, don't agree to go to the rap concert for hours resenting being there all night, because that will do nothing to improve the relationship. With that being said, you can be authentic about your likes/dislikes and THEN make an attempt to appreciate your partner, friend, coworker's perspective. Here's an example: I love baseball. My husband doesn't. He hated sports most of his life, he sort of tolerated an occasional game on TV or went to the ballpark with me. Over time, he's learned more about the game and the players and although I understand he won't love it like I do, and I don't plan on trying to somehow magically "make him like it", he will go to or watch a game nowadays with me because he knows it makes me happy, and THAT makes HIM happy. On the other side of that, I'm not into guitars, playing an instrument, nor country music. I do however want to sometimes enjoy our night out together checking out a guitar exhibit at a museum, or listening to some country songs in the car together, or listen to him playing guitar. I'm honest about not enjoying listening to the Blues genre of music. To be fair, I did go with him recently to see a blues group, and my husband had no idea if they were good or not before-hand. I was authentic about not liking it, but I went because it made HIM happy, and that makes ME happy. It's something we both learned back in our days of Dr. Stephen Covey's & Habits of Highly Effective People. Respecting the differences and sharing experiences that we aren't thrilled with is okay if we're authentic about it, then choose to do it because we want the other person to be happy. Just do it with authenticity. Don't pretend and then resent it. Don't let it become something you're upset about in the middle of an argument in the future, and don't constantly state how much you hate it but you'll do it for them - in a martyr type of way - See #3 above.
5. Be authentic with yourself, most of all: Here's the toughest part...being truthful with yourself. This isn't the time to beat yourself up focusing on all your flaws. It's also not the time to think you're "all that" and you're irreplaceable at your job. It's time to be truly authentic and real with yourself. Figure out what you're good at, and stick with it as long as it's giving you some kind of sense of purpose, integrity, or brings you joy. Then figure out what flaws you could change. I'm never going to be a great singer, I've accepted that, I don't pretend I am. I don't hate myself because I'm not. I'm just very accepting of where I'm at. If it's important, than be intentional to make changes. This could be through breaking bad habits, creating new good habits, learning how to do whatever it is better. Ask someone you trust to help you get better. Read books (or listen to audio books) on how to improve in that area. If it's something not all that important to you, like singing is for me, then let it go. Don't feel bad or guilty about it. Don't stress trying to improve for anyone else. Just let it go and make peace with it. Be authentic. Decide what talents and gifts you have and use them - preferably to help others, but at least to live a more simple life. Decide what to let go of and quit stressing over it. Change what's important and within your ability to change (like working on people skills and relationships). Be the best authentic version of you.
I hope now you have a better understanding of what it means to be authentic. Be who and what you are when no one's looking - and if that's not something you're proud of - take the necessary steps to change that. Once you can be YOU, no matter who you're with, where you are, in every situation, you'll be free to live a more simple life. No more pretenses, no more acting, no more having to be on your guard around others. You'll be free to live simply.
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